Steadfast. It was the word I had searched the scriptures late 2017 to find that would describe the year ahead for my life. I so wanted to leave 2018 with a solid, consistent emotional state. Steadfast in discipline and hard work and consistency. Quite frankly, I wanted to learn how to not to wear my heart on my sleeve, to cross my “T’s” and dot my “i’s”, so to speak. What I learned instead, however, was what it meant to keep turning back to Jesus – the only One truly steadfast – when I don’t have it all together. And as the year closed with the scariest episode of my life, my new word for 2019 was already set on my heart. Secure.
The past six months have been a train wreck in devotion to my theme compared to last year. Yet all along, I’ve seen God weave in this concept of being secure upon every rocky bend and every tearful session of mourning over the way life used to be. I’m learning that being secure in Jesus doesn’t look like striving to earn my worth. It’s about being solely aligned with the value He sees in me, whether I’m achieving my to-do lists or not. It isn’t the least bit of the rosy feeling of comfort I had expected but rather a hard-fought truth that no matter how I fail, I am secure in Jesus. And let me tell you, there’s been a lot of failing…
And secure is exactly what the Lord knew I’d need during these past several weeks and months of unpredictability. I shared on Facebook recently that our future looks like a lot uncertainties right about now. I couldn’t go into much detail then and I cannot now, but suffice it to say, here are a couple quick things I will share:
- We have a meeting with a birth mama this Friday concerning baby Z. Baby Z owns a story of unknowns. Unknowns that will most certainly affect his future — just as yours and mine do ours. We are one of four families this precious birth mama has chosen to meet with and we are praying nothing less than God’s best for Z and his mama. Regardless of whether we fit that bill or not. Should she choose us, things will most likely move very quickly toward placemet, which will require a reserve we just don’t have… Yet. The Lord knows, so we are placing our trust in Him – actively, moment-by-moment at times.
- If we are not chosen for baby Z, our profile will be submitted, one of two, to a very rare special needs situation. This child will be born with some significant strikes against him/her in worldly terms. Scary as it may be, Rob and I are prayerfully firm on our decision to be presented in this case. We believe God doesn’t make mistakes and as our seven year old reminds us “All life has purpose.”
I’ll be very transparent here: I’m fighting against a spirit of fear and the lies that come with it of what life could look like should either of these mamas choose us. I’ve struggled with the weight of either of these cases knowing the story of our lives would be dramatically altered with little control. And yet, so many truths have risen up to take root in my heart these past few days…
First, if I were one of these mamas who chose life in a world where she’s told it’d be easier not to, I’d want my child to be wanted by the very voices who claim life is valuable. And so, though my head has been heavy with the what-if’s and how’s and if-only’s, my heart is resting, secure, steadfastly aligned with God’s truth: Every life has purpose.
Second, we didn’t begin this journey for the story of our lives to remain the same. We chose to abandon our limited, near-sighted, simulated-sense of control and chase after the story God has been writing on our hearts. This chapter is just one more example of how sometimes the mountains He’s moving are the ones within us.
But thirdly, at the end of the day, non of this matters in light of the fact:
The lot is cast into the lap;
but its every decision is from the Lord.
From the get-go of this whole journey, we’ve placed our hope and trust in our God who’s resources are boundless. Whatever we’ll need, He’s already put in place to give. Money, patience, grace, love, devotion… We have just to be still and wait for His timing, steadfast in turning to Him with an active trust, knowing we are secure in Him no matter what comes our way.
We’ll keep ya posted!