I wouldn’t consider myself a hopeless romantic. I’m far too much a realist to allow my dreams to overshadow my present tense. Yet, lately I’ve been praying for some big things; health concerns, marriages, broken hearts, hardships, unimaginable pain and none-the-least of which adoption details – our own and others. It seems everywhere I turn, life has taken its toll on the whole lot of us. And if I’m honest the weary tends to turn into worry in my mind.

A couple weeks ago I shared about some pretty big possibilities for our adoption. Two cases being for children with special needs. Another in the works.

Long story short:

As of last week, every door has been closed. Though I’m tempted to say we’ve been rejected once again, I won’t. I’m renewing my mind in God’s truth: We have not been rejected in any of these situations. We’ve been continually set apart for one.

Yes, these waiting days are hard.
But I still serve a big God.
A really big God.

Sometimes I try to zero in on a solution to all these problems I see. In fact, just the other day I found myself arrested by anxiety where breath came only in short gasps and tears rained. There I sat in the front seat of my car in a public parking lot bargaining with God, “If you’ll just do this one thing, I’ll let this other thing go for good…” Because to leave it all in God’s hands, the problem and its outcome, would require surrender. And surrender can be terrifying. Not even a hopeless romantic does that. They strive against the grain to do something no one else has done, yes. They push against the odds, absolutely. They put aside others’ opinions to chase after what they want – or what they think they want – but they Do. Not. Surrender.

Yes, these days of surrender are hard.
But I still serve a big God.
A really big God.

This season has tested my faith in more ways than I could have imagined. No, a hopeless romantic I am not. But a woman filled with faith I want to be. I don’t place my hope in hopeless places. I don’t have a “somewhere over the rainbow” faith. I have a Rock-solid, Cornerstone foundation. However, I have to reconcile: These situations I’m daily turning over to the Lord may not end how I want them to. Faith does require surrender. These are real-life people with real-life decisions, conditions and heartbreak that are out of my control. My faith cannot be anchored in circumstance or an outcome for which I desire. No. My faith has to be rooted in the God of the Bible Who says He is for me, Whose love is reckless enough to chase after me, Whose heart beats not for my comfort but for my communion.

Yes, these faith-growing days are hard.
But I still serve a big God.
A really big God.

So even when the horizon looks bleak, I can still have joy in the toil as Ecclesiastes says. I don’t have to be a hopeless romantic to keep believing against all odds, to wait on God to move on my behalf and on behalf of those for whom I pray. I have a grounded faith that far exceeds anything this world can offer. The road ahead still looks shaky in so many ways, but I am secure with my hand in His.

So believe I shall.