A few weeks ago, I held a baby. This little one was only three months old. The last time I held an infant was probably when this very child was only a newborn. To see his eyes lock onto my face, his fingers move my direction and the sweet little grunts he made did something to my heart. I’ve been avoiding holding infants. My heart has been so longing for my own that I knew this would happen. But this time, I couldn’t help it.
It may not look like it in the picture, but the moment I drew his tiny frame to my chest, my heart split wide open. In a room filled with people – family who I adore – I drew a circle around myself and little Gabe and almost lost my composure to the threatening tears. See, I’ve been dreaming of holding my little one. Wondering what the weight of his or her tiny body will feel like settled in my arms. My heart has been yearning for them to own that place. And in that moment, sweet little Gabriel felt like an impostor.
I barely sealed off the tears as the ache grew in my heart. No, this child I’m anxiously awaiting will not grow in my womb, but God is certainly growing in my heart a space reserved just for them. And that is incredible.
And so, it is with great excitement I share our forward movement to date. We’re in the last stretch of this home study. Due to the fine details, my previous update, sharing we’d submitted everything and had simply to take our class, ended up needing reworked. So, here I sit, furiously typing away before driving up to my hometown for the day to finalize one of those last details. Our classes having already been completed, certified and submitted. Leaving only two other loose ends (fingers crossed that’s accurate this time!) before we are able to finalize this home study process.
I’ll also be working hard to finish up our profile book, so it too is ready to go asap! In all honesty, it could – should – have been done by now. We’ve had the time, simply not the forward momentum to spark the motivation.
See, as we’ve circled this holding pattern, I’ve been tempted to gripe over what feels like a delay. I struggle with believing these “innocent” details are keeping me from my child. Thus, I left our profile book unfinished and in a room filled with the beauty of celebration, I struggled to contain the tears threatened by the heartache of longing. Yet, the Lord has gently reminded me, time and time again, He is in control. And what feels like a setback, is, in actuality, a time of preparation, the aligning of details and ultimately just the space needed to get us to our child.
So though my heart still aches and the tears of yearning still come, I choose to be occupied with joy. Joy that does not come from my circumstances, my husband, children or even will come with the awaited gift of our child. But joy that comes only from walking this journey hand-in-hand with my Savior. Desperate for His joy in the midst of strife I will remain wherever this journey takes us.